May 15, 2012

When you have two kids and one of them is asked to be a flower girl, what do you do

Of course you want to say yes immediately, you would love your youngest daughter to be flower girl, but you catch yourself just in time. You have two little girls; one of them has been flower girl already and the other one had not yet been asked or had the opportunity. As you are fair with both your girls, do you let her be flower girl or do you speak to the couple on the quiet and say that your other daughter hasn’t had a chance yet to be part of the wedding and it is her turn now?

There are two ways to look at this. You can’t put the couple on the spot to choose your youngest child as they may not want her in the retinue and then she will feel rejected and believe that her sister is prettier than she is and is being favored. On the other hand the sister who is being asked to be flower girl already thinks it is unfair that she cannot be flower girl and that her mother is being unfair to her. They both end up crying.

There is only one way to deal with this. You have to say no to both of them and also tell the couple that as much as you would like your daughter to be part of the wedding you cannot let her participate. Make up a reasonable story as to why you cannot and leave it at that. Don’t explain. It is just one of those things where a small hurt is better than a bigger one and you want both your kids to feel equally loved. The couple was nice when they asked, but they need not be given a whole explanation.

Kids are funny about these things. They want the same amount of pudding in the bowl, the same number of games, and the same amount of affection. To allow both girls to feel good, the correct thing to do is say nothing more on the matter and if they ask just tell them that you had forgotten that that was the day you had planned to take them to the zoo. It is a white lie, yes, but you had to do it.

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