Signs that your child been tampered with

This is a hard one to prove and even harder when it involves a family member. Molesting a child is an evil act as besides the physical and emotional scarring it is a deep betrayal and loss of innocence. The child will never be fully recovered as you cannot heal intangible wounds with a pill. Therapy will help and must be applied, but the best resolution of all is to prevent the child from being molested in the first place. In South Africa it is estimated that four girls and one in eight boys are sexually abused before the age of sixteen.

Signs that your child has been tampered with

• The child's personality changes and she wets her bed and is afraid to go to sleep for fear that something will happen; she never had the problem before.
• The child becomes clingy at the sight of a male family member.
She always has money and sweets she got from an uncle.
Her eating pattern has changed her from healthy to thin and frail.
The child is withdrawn and has nightmares and screams in her sleep.
She is afraid to go to a certain relative’s house.

This does not mean, however, that if you have some of the above symptoms that you have been molested. The signs are merely to alert you that something is remiss and that you should look deeper into the matter. Children who have been molested are not talkers and suffer in silence. Not all perpetrators strike immediately; some nourish their victims for years, until the time is right.

Facts about perpetrators

• More often than not the child knows the molester.
*Most perpetrators have no criminal record.
*Perpetrators can be members of the child’s family.
*Pedophiles sit on park benches and watch the children at play.
*Sexual offenders love reading porn.
*Offenders always appear innocent to children and offer them money and sweets to help find the dog. There is no dog.

Protecting your kids

Talk to them about strangers bearing gifts.
Don’t be graphic and speak in a calm voice.
Don’t evoke unnecessary fear although you would like them to be aware of strange people coming up to them in the street.
Teach your child to say NO. This is one instance where the child must use whatever knowledge and words he has in his power and vocabulary to get away.
Don’t make a big deal out of this but have the safety talk without frightening your children. A motto you can have in your house is: say NO to pedophiles and run!

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Enabling and rescuing an addict

Do you have a member in the family who falls under any of these categories: sex addiction, alcoholism, workaholism, over-spending, an eating disorder or a gambling addiction? You keep baling them out, and instead of helping them you enable them to continue with their behavior which is spiralling out of control. This is self-destructive enabling; the person is not learning anything and instead of leading a normal life his behavior gets worse and he remains dysfunctional. What he needs to hear is the word, no, that you will not continue aiding and abetting him, and that you cannot give him money or pay his bills anymore. It is a harsh penalty but if you love the person refusing him is the best thing to do. 

Understanding addiction

Addiction is a disease. You can never cure it, but you can arrest it. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic; even if you refrain from using or drinking or gambling for ten years, you are still compulsive. Going to rehab helps because you learn how to change your thinking, what to do, what to stay away from, and how to help yourself. The first thing you can do if you are sincere about changing the way you live is to join a twelve-step program; the most important ingredient necessary is conviction and your determination to succeed. If you are half-hearted about change, do not waste anyone’s time. An addict has to realize what he is doing to his family and himself and if he does not care about where he is heading, he is not taking you down with him.

Practicing tough love

·         Do not give any addict money no matter how he begs. Just plain no and meaning it is enough.

·         Plan an intervention and have everyone write a letter to him. If he does not attend the intervention, cut the friendship dead in its tracks.

·         Offer to go with him to the twelve-step meetings and drive him to rehab.

·         Tell him to stay away from his alcoholic and gambling friends. The idea is to spell out the rules of the friendship only once and what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior to you. He has to feel the pain of his actions otherwise there is no reason for him to change. 

·         State clearly that once you break off the relationship, there is no turning back and that he will not be allowed in the house. 

·         Go online for more information on enabling and co-dependency to help you better understand the progressive nature of addiction and what you should and should not do as a friend.

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Tribute to my mother

**           When I was a toddler you picked me up and wiped my tears.

**           When I started school you taught me to share my sandwiches with those who did not have.

**           When you caught me smoking with my friends at age eleven you told me that smoking was for rough girls and you encouraged me to stop.

**           When I sent away my first story to a radio station at twelve you told me not to be afraid to reach far and encouraged me to write.

**           When I said to you at sixteen that I would like to be an actress, you said, my girl, I would not like you to do that; your job will depend on your looks and I would not like you to be in show business.

**           When I left the country at age 21 with just my sister, younger than me, you told me not to be afraid and that you would see me soon. You gave us enough money to take care of ourselves.

**           When we were young girls, before leaving for Canada, you encouraged us to bring our boyfriends to the house so you could know who they were. You served them coffee and cake and always were nice to them.

**           When I got married to a foreigner you left your work in South Africa to help me with the baby and spend some time with us. You were kind to my husband and he was kind to you.

**           When I got divorced you cried because you knew the damage done to children who grow up without a father. You cried because you remembered your own experiences and did not want us girls to go through what you had.

**           When I got published you were my number one fan. You sat in a wheelchair at my first launch. Georgina and I pushed you up the hill to the acupuncturist in the rain. You believed that the Chinese man’s needles would fix you. We had a few good years together and then your number came up and there was nothing anyone could do. Even then, with your last breath, you would not leave until I told you not to struggle anymore to live, that you had been a good mother who always loved and put her kids first.  You gave a last sigh and slipped away. If I have done an ounce of good in my life, I owe it all to you, Mom; thank you.

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