Do you love someone enough to let him go?

You have been married for several years, you married your best friend, you have had eight glorious years together, but while you love your partner dearly as a friend, you are not in love. One night your partner comes home from work and tells you that he has met someone, and that he is in love. He says he is being honest with you by telling you and that if you don’t want him to leave, he will stay.


What do you do? He is your best friend. How can best friends do that? But you understand because you too are not in love. You have always understood one another. You have enjoyed the best that friendship can offer. Do you get angry and threaten him? If you were not married to him you would know what to say and what you would do is give him the same advice you would give to a friend – and that is to tell him to follow his heart and that you wish him well. Can friendship extend that far? Can one be that understanding that one can give up one’s partner for the sake of good friendship?


Hard as it may be to believe, the best would be to release your friend from his marital obligation. If you yearn for someone else, the relationship eventually becomes toxic if you don’t leave. We cannot make someone love us, and fighting about it will not work. If you consider that your own marriage was based on a deep friendship, all your partner is guilty of is telling you. As your friend and not as a partner, he was honest. You cannot help if you fall in love with someone else. Arguing will not bring him back; not emotionally and not from the heart.


Give your friend your blessings and be happy for him. You can still be friends. Remember that episode in Seinfeld where Jerry and Elaine refrained from having sex, ‘for the sake of the friendship’? If you were such good friends, giving up the sex is not a big deal as you will always have that person’s back and his friendship.

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Was the writing on the wall for Katie Holmes long ago?

It absolutely was. A blind man couldn’t have missed it. It was and is on the wall starting as far back as Nicol Kidman. Converting to another belief system is fraught with confusion and the person to be converted, rightly, should be her own person and not be forced to do something she does not believe in. The Cruiser seems inflexible and this problem of converting a spouse to Scientology has gone on long enough and should stop. Bravo to Miss Holmes! My father used to say that if you want to convert someone to your faith you’d better have a big net under him as he falls. And this has indeed happened.


In the Qur’an God states, ‘there is no compunction in religion’ meaning that you should not try to convert or alienate someone from his own faith. Everyone has a choice. What broke the camel’s back in this instance is that Katie Holmes considered the needs and rights of the children and that they should not be forced into choosing Scientology over Christianity. She was right. By the age of five or six a child should have a religious identity. He should know who he, what his belief is; is he going to go to church, to mosque, to the synagogue or the temple. In other words, if the Cruiser gets custody, they are going to grow up following the Christian faith.


Tom Cruise for this writer has always struck me as controlling and he has three marriages to attest to the fact that you can drag a horse to the well but you can’t make him drink. Katie Holmes feared that if she stayed on in the marriage the veil of Scientology would always hang over them and nothing would vindicate the damage that might ensue. It had to be done, and while it is painful, the needs and rights of the children have to be considered and come first. If he is a father who wants the best for his kids, he would understand this and encourage his children in their new faith. It would be cruel to their emotional welfare if they visited with him and he insisted on Scientology being taught to them instead of their religion of choice.

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Economic and sexual abuse against same sex partner

Does your partner ask you to hand your pay check over to her at the end of the month? Does she look at the slips and what you have bought with your own money and demand that you give it to her? Does she come to your place of employment and threaten to tell your colleagues that you are gay if you do not do what she wants? Does she further threaten your friends that she will force them out of the closet too and make them own up to their sexual preference?


Financial and sexual abuse

• This is economic abuse as well as harassment. No one has a right over your finances; it is yours and yours only to control unless you have signed an agreement whereby she has been appointed in that capacity.

• You also have full rights over your children’s needs and they should be taken care of.

• Don’t be talked into or threatened by your same sex partner to hand your money over to her.

• Be aware of identity theft where your partner has no way of finding out and using your personal details to withdraw money on your accounts.

• Do not treat your partner as a sexual object and criticize her performance in bed.

• Do not withhold sex to make your partner pay for something which she did not agree to.

• Wear protection so that you do not infect your partner and do not be angry if she does not want to have sex for fear that she will be infected.

• If she beats you up for any reason at all report it to the authorities. Don’t be afraid of repercussions as such a person will make life hard for you and you will regret staying on.

• Disagree strongly if she wants you to have sex with other people and either wants you to watch and be a voyeur, or have threesomes, or partake in any bestial acts you don’t want to be part of.

• If your partner rapes you, report the incident and take all the necessary precautions to check yourself out with a doctor, get out of the relationship, and report her to the police.


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