When the man you've lived with for thirty years asks you for a divorce

When a couple has lived together for thirty years in relative harmony with the usual things that come along in life and has managed to raise responsible and successful children and enjoying some of the fruits of life, leaving a marriage is not that easy and one has to ask why, and if there is something that can save it. It is not one or two years that you have lived together and navigated with your partner through life; it is thirty years. Thirty years with someone in the same house, the same bed, sometimes even the same line of work, is a long time and should be carefully considered before making a rash decision.


Reasons for wanting to leave

In some cases where men feel they are getting older they want a young woman who can jump through hoops and relive some of those early years where he thinks it will be that easy to leave a partner of thirty years; there is history between you. You know each other’s moods, you know his smell, his breath in the morning, his wants and needs and it is a foolish man who leaves a partner and thinks the bouncy new secretary in his office who has complimented him and made advances is going to stay with him until the end of his days. He is almost sixty, arthritis and osteoporosis and other ailments are around the corner if not already wearing at his bones.


The relationship has gone stale

If the reason for wanting to break up your marriage is just because the bloom is off the rose think carefully. Your grown up children will balk at your decision. Their mother will be alone. You would have abandoned her just because of age. If it is sex you want like you had in your early years, speak to her about it. Read some books together on how to rekindle your marriage. Go and watch porn if that is what you want to do. If your reasons are weak for leaving and you are making this decision just because you want to feel young again, clean up your own appearance and thinking first, and ask yourself if that girl is going to be there for you when you are ill at seventy five years of age. Remember, it takes two people to tango. If one has forgotten the steps, it is easy to take a few lessons. It would be easier than starting all over again and a month later realize that you have made a mistake.


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Is your twelve year old son experimenting with drugs?

If you have the merest inkling that your son might be experimenting with meth or other drugs, even if only occasionally, it is your immediate attention to the matter that might save him from a hard life of drug abuse. It is not easy to deal with a drug addict. Attending to the problem sooner rather than later will make it easier to deal with. Also, if you are the brother or sister to the drug addict, don’t pass the job of talking to your sibling to someone else but start dealing with it immediately. Depending on his nature, he will be in denial and say that he is not an addict, or he will cave in and say he needs help. Here are some things you can do to get your son to listen to his parents’ advice and act on it. You can have a gentle or gangbuster approach. Unfortunately, with drug addicts the former approach does not work too well by waiting for some miracle to happen and you have to deal with the matter head on.


• Know the names of the children he hangs out with. You can learn a lot about your son by taking cognizance of his friends. If any one of them uses drugs, tell him to cut the friendship. He will argue, but you are the boss and will deal with it by employing a no nonsense approach. You will go as far as speaking to the parents of these boys and alert them to the fact that their son is a user.

• Get involved by going to the school and asking for a progress report. If all his grades are poor offer to get him help.

• If you learn from the principal that he has stolen money to pay for drugs, take him to a clinic to test him for drug use. In America there are juvenile programs where problem kids spend a night in jail to see what it is like to be amongst hard core inmates. He will get a fright and an awakening when he sees all the teens in such harsh surroundings and all the rules they have to obey. They are spoken to by seasoned criminals and thieves and it is a frightening experience for a twelve year old. On the bright side, there are many success stories of youths who stay in jail overnight and are scared straight.

• If showing your son the inside of a jail and talking to him does not work and he persists in using drugs, plan an intervention where his family and friends read him a letter stating how much he means to them and that they care about him, and get him to agree to go to rehab. If he refuses, unfortunately, you will have to do it the hard way by having a car ready to take him to rehab where he will stay for two months.

• It is important that you not give in to any of his demands or denials that he is a drug addict, and do all you can to see he gets help.

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Having a foreign au pair in your house who doubles as a student

Having anyone strange in your house for any length of time can probably be the most important thing to adjust to as it entails giving up some of your space. Having an au pair to look after the children can be doubly so as you are responsible for her while she is with you. If she is a student continuing her studies, she will need time to do her schoolwork as well as do some light chores. If she cannot speak English well, you will have to learn to be patient. Your children will have to adjust to this new person in the house. There will be an extra person at the supper table. There will be more laundry, more to clean up and your student has to make it easier for you. Here are some ideas and things you can do to facilitate an easy relationship where everyone benefits.

• While your au pair is from a country where English is not the first language, your children have a chance to learn a new language and the au pair also peps up her English. Learning a new language together can be fun.

• Your children can also learn some new recipes by sampling food the au pair has prepared and broadening their culinary experience.

• Establish a clear time of the day when the au pair will have two hours to herself to relax in her room and study. If possible, let her have her own room. Everyone needs to be alone some time during the day.

• Introduce your au pair to your friends and neighbors so they know there is someone living with you and particularly if anyone has a daughter the same age. Help her make some friends.

• Take some insurance that will protect her while she is in your care.

• Take her along on some of your activities such as all of you going to the skating rink or the park or a local baseball court.

• The museum is also a good place to visit as your au pair’s stay is a learning experience. She will return home eventually and take her experiences in a foreign country with her.

• If your au pair seems extraordinarily quiet, talk to her as it is not easy to leave your family and live in another family’s home so far away. Remember, she is someone elses child.

• Let her make a call to her parents in Europe once a month. These small little things will make her feel more comfortable and at ease.

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