Getting your partner back

If you have been married for several years, have grown up children who have left the coop and your husband comes home one night and says he wants a divorce, that must surely count as the most shocking and unexpected experience in one’s life. You cry for a long time, your grown up kids sympathize with you and you watch with disbelief as he packs his clothes and leaves. He is not sure what he wants, he says, he is forty five years old, but the marriage has gone stale and he wants out. When asked if he has found another woman, he says yes.

How to act around your ex

The first thing is to ask an honest question. Do you want him back? And if so, why do you want him back? Is it to take away the fear? Or is it because he is more than a lover but also a true companion who has temporarily lost his way? If the answer is yes don’t waste any time thinking of the woman he is with or what he has done but take realistic stock of the situation and act.

• Do not cry on the phone and ask him to come to come back. Don’t beg. Pull yourself together and go about your daily business. You need time just to accept that you have been left. Sometimes a marriage is hanging by a thread and it is a good reason to let it go, but if you have always had a comfortable life and have feeling for your partner and he is receptive to you, it is worth trying to get him back.
• Don’t listen to the advice of others. They do not know what kind of relationship you have. Most first reactions are that you should leave the man. This is easy to say when you are not in the situation but losing your buddy of fifteen years.
• Should he come to your house to pick up the rest of his things, act cordially, don’t get into an argument or start crying. You want him to see that you are not shattered that he has left and going on with his life. If he asks how you are doing, say that you are managing and that you will survive. Ask him how he is doing. Listen, then tell him that you have to meet a friend somewhere for coffee and you are running late.
• Make no reference to the woman he has left you for. If you see them by accident in the mall or the grocery shop, do not react. You have shown a steely front and don’t want to be behaving in a manner that shows you are weak and want him to come back.
• Resolve in your heart to stick with the situation and do not be in a rush. Leaving you for another woman is no small matter and you still want to think if you really want to take a man back who has betrayed you. Betrayal is a hard thing to deal with whether you are a woman or a man. It may be that after being without him for a few months that he is starting to miss you and want you back, but you no longer want it. Never lift the telephone receiver to tell him that you are lonely and if you are coming back.
• When you see your children on the weekends or with other members of the family, you might get an update of his situation. If you hear that he and the woman have split up, this is your chance to make your move. You never make a move while he is in the grip of passion with another woman. You wait for him to falter – like an injured animal that can no longer run with the pride – and then you show who you are.

How to get your ex back

Prepare a killer Christmas or Thanksgiving lunch and invite the kids. Tell them to ask their father to come along. This is a crucial stage. If he comes, you know he’s yours already. If he does not, you know there is some work to do still. Wear the dress you know he likes, splash on a dash of his favorite perfume, and while you are not showing overt attention to him, when he is carving the meat you lean over him at the table and say the following words: I miss you. And I miss my friend.

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